"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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