It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
