My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
