Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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