mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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