duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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