The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
God, I missed his penis.
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