I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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