Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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