If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
