Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
