So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
