drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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