he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
