I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
