I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
