You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
