When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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