Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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