After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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