My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
