I think im going to throw up on grandma
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
