i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
