I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I smell like Dick and happiness
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
