I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
