Already got asked if we're dating
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
