i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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