Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
