He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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