if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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