The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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