I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
