mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i already hear my dad disowning me
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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