if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
