I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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