At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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