Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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