I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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