i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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