i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Mom said you looked used
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
