can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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