Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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