Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
we're making bets on your personal life
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
