also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
