Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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