Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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