anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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