oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
