i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
