If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
